The meaning of tears

by : Allan J. Comeau, Ph.D.

We all need help sometimes. We need help to repair the damage of the pain and suffering of life’s insults, defeats, or inequities. We need assistance when we are less advantaged by genetic inheritance, illness, accident or other causes. We need someone to know and to remind us that it isn’t necessarily our fault, we didn’t deserve it (or maybe we did!) and we need someone to reach down or across to us, from time to time, and help us get up when we are down.

What do tearful eyes mean? When a child comes home sobbing, many a parent’s first impulse is to jump towards them and with a voice sounding off alarms, ask what happened, attempting to soothe the child, to help make the tears go away. While, in principle, this often seems the right thing to do, it may not always be the case. Each child has his or her own sense of what he needs in times of upset. Parents run the risk of further upsetting their children when they abruptly intervene, trying to turn off the crying faucet, as if crying itself was the problem. Admittedly, when we see our children in distress it can be upsetting to us.

The urge to intervene is strong, and, yes, we must do something soon. But what? Knowing what to do During times of upset, some kids (and adults) simply can’t verbalize what they are feeling, nor can they break away from their internal state of distress to tell you the story of their afternoon mishap. Recognizing this, there are still things that you can do. You can provide for your child a warm and secure personal presence and place to sit together. You can speak in reassuring and soft vocal tones, expressing in simple words your awareness that your child is upset and that you are there to help.

Providing a sense of safety, including the permission to cry without first explaining oneself, is important. Later, after the emotional storm, your child will be better able to tell you whether he is sad, angry, afraid or embarrassed. Not yet knowing the basis for your child’s feelings, your efforts to facilitate comfort and your openness to his quite general expressions of distress give him an indication that you can also be responsive his deeper feelings.

You may feel the need to take control of the situation and sometimes you may have to, but the job of parenting is also about teaching and emotional control is best taught by example and in collaboration with your child. Show him your control by not being afraid of his feelings. Hear him out, when he is able to speak. Provide listening, accompanied by corrective reasoning. For example, if he complains that his best friend doesn’t like him any more you can talk with him about friendship having its ups and downs.

Remind him that friends try to reach across their differences and make peace to restore the friendship. The achievement of self and emotional control is a balancing act. Too many tears or too few, each may signal the need for some adjustment, either letting go of or taking hold of the reigns of ones emotional flow. Though we may often feel our feelings as if they had lives of their own, residing somewhere in our brains, turned on by good or bad experiences, the fact is that our feelings belong to us, we own them. Taking pride in ownership, caring for our inner selves and for each other is an important step in growing up and becoming full participants in adult society.

Source : www.drcomeau.com